


Conviction From Pain

by west_haven



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 17:21:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3298202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/west_haven/pseuds/west_haven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellie has an honest conversation with the most unlikely person she could ever come across.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conviction From Pain

Being around the man the entire day turned out to be constantly awkward; she'll be overjoyed to finally be rid of him shortly. Bill was large, loud and ceaselessly pissed off, so naturally they would be at each other's throats. Of course, Ellie did get a small jolt of smug satisfaction every time she set him off, seeing him huff and spit like a wet cat.

Happily, their time together was about to come to an end. They were just about to drive on out of there and leave the grumpy old man in his decrepit old town.

Her restless fingers drummed on the steering wheel as Joel walked off, searching for supplies with his usual careful eye. That left her inside the truck while Bill, who was quiet for once, leaned on its hood.

Ellie's thoughts slowly shifted to the items she had stolen from the man and she couldn't help but smirk. She was already curious about what music was on the cassette, but it would be a death wish to put it in the car now. Hopefully Joel wouldn't protest to a bit of music later, she thought as she eyed the cassette player.

As if her thoughts summoned him, Joel quickly strode back into the garage, only to grimly hand a piece of paper to Bill. He seemed to turn away slightly as the other man read it, giving him a small amount of privacy.

"...That's how you feel. Well, fuck you too, Frank." He muttered as his eyes skimmed over the words before glaring up at Joel. He crumpled the note in his hands before letting it fall to the floor. "You ready to go?"

Joel shook his head. "Not yet, I wanted to go over my supplies some."

"Well hurry up with it." His voice was short and hollow as Joel walked away, back into the quiet house.

Then suddenly, something crossed her mind. She remembered the magazine she lifted from Bill, the one that's way too full of burly naked men in provocative poses. Ellie blinked as the pieces came together, because the magazine did give a little more context to Bill's relationship with the man they just found dead. That note just now, whatever it said, seemed to point to her conclusion as well.

She looked over at the man with a new sense of wonder, still thinking about if it could be true or not. However, Ellie couldn't really imagine Bill being romantic with _anyone_. She tried to suppress a shudder at the thought of him kissing or writing love letters.

Before she could ponder any more, the man in question meandered over to the window and rose an eyebrow at her. His eyes darted back and forth and for just a second, she could see a slight amount of loneliness in them.

"Practicing on how to crash?" He offered, like he was just trying to start a little spat out of boredom.

Ellie scoffed and hitched her chin up in defiance. "Like hell, old man."

Bill snorted back at her but something definitely looked off about him. His words subtlety didn't have the edge she was used to. Her interest was still piqued.

"So...." The words formed on her lips awkwardly. Her hands kneaded the steering wheel again. "About your... friend, back there...."

His head snapped back to her, his eyes narrow and threatening. "Don't you say another god damn word."

She rolled her eyes, which only caused him to snarl more. "Alright, asshole, don't say I didn't want to at least help some."

"What, you? _Help_?" His lips curled in a nasty, short laugh. "Like hell you could help."

"You know what, no, fuck you." Her hand wildly gestured, her eyes burning with anger that had been simmering inside her. "Four weeks ago I kissed my best friend, and then not even fifteen minutes after that, she got fuckin' bit. So you can shove it up your ass if you think I don't know what you're going through."

Bill stopped in his tracks, his face still locked in an angry grimace. But just as suddenly, he turned and slumped against the truck, shaking it slightly. One hand smoothed over his face, rubbing away a bit of sweat and dirt.

"You're too young for that to happen, you're just... too young."

"You're telling me." She shrugged, though she was oddly touched at his brand of concern.

"But you understand, don't you? That's how it always is. It's nothing but fuckin' pain." He heaved a weary sigh. "They always hurt you in the end. So there's no use."

As Ellie looked away from him, she remembered how it felt to dance and kiss Riley. That wasn't a feeling she regretted in the slightest; her only regret was how it all crumbled afterwards.

"I can't...." She swallowed, still unable to look at him. "I can't accept that. Don't you treasure what you had with him? Even if it ended like...." She trailed off, unable to bring herself to mention death.

"No," Bill huffed with a bleak conviction. "Fuck it all. Everyone hurts and gets hurt in return. I've accepted this." His words sounded like a mantra, something practiced over years.

She shook her head, knowing it was futile to talk to the man, who was more like a brick wall at the moment. "Well, all I know is that I may have loved her." Ellie said, surprising even herself with her frankness. "And I'll continue to move forward even with... with her gone."

"Well," He lurched forward, finally pulling himself away from the side of the truck and took a step. "You go do that."

"Wait!"

Bill paused, his back still against her. She was impressed that he hadn't yelled at her yet, so she was going to push her luck one more time.

"Didn't you love him?"

Everything seemed to stop in that moment as she awaited his answer, though she wasn't sure what she really wanted to hear.

"It don't matter anymore. Maybe it never did."

The sound of tired defeat was glaringly obvious in his voice, and it showed in the exhausted slump in his shoulders.

She nodded, though she knew he couldn't see it. Ellie wasn't content with his answer, but it was still his answer to give. She didn't entirely know what to say, so her voice sounded awkward as she spoke. "Okay. Thanks for... thanks for sharing."

The man snorted before moving back in front of the truck. His eyes seemed to be glued to the floor, and it took a moment before she realized he was looking at Frank's note, still lying on the ground.

'I won't turn into him,' Ellie thought as she looked at the broken man. 'I will be stronger than that, or I'll die trying.'

She swallowed the lump in her throat as she accidentally muttered, "For Riley." If Bill happened to hear her, he at least didn't say anything.

Ellie finally heard footsteps and found Joel walking back into the garage. He nodded at her before approaching the window.

"You gonna be okay with this?"

"Yeah, not a problem." She breathlessly replied. Her conversation with Bill was still troubling her, but it was the last thing she would want Joel to know about. She was sure Bill would agree with her.

After a brief pause, he spoke again. "You're doin' a good job. I figure you should know that."

It made her her heart swell to finally see him warming up to her, at least a little bit. She slightly nodded.

"I won't let you down with this."

**Author's Note:**

> I am so happy to write Bill, he is such an asshole but he's a really interesting and complex one.
> 
> In my head, he would DEFINITELY not be an "out and proud" kind of person, so he would still struggle with his sexuality, especially with Frank presumably leaving him. I kind of think that maybe they were in love before shit hit the fan, but afterwords, it just wasn't there for Frank, though he stayed out of obligation and the desire to still have something familiar around.
> 
> I always viewed Bill as a cautionary tale for Joel: don't let the past drag you down and make you bitter and shut people out. But after suddenly putting two and two together, and realizing that both Bill and Ellie are pretty gay, this idea was born. He can also be a warning to Ellie for the same, to not shut down when life is being particularly shitty to you.
> 
> Also yes, Joel was pretty absent even though that was a small house. I can imagine him fiddling around with bricks and bottles, and then crafting stuff, which is what took him so long. I mean, we've ALL sat there for a while while playing, looking at our inventory, right?
> 
> And with this, this is my first tlou fic of 2015 (and technically the first thing I've written all year)! It's been over a year since I first wrote for the fandom, it's crazy how time flies. And next week is the Left Behind anniversary, so I'm super excited to play that again! Thank you guys for checking out my fics!


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